Easy Steps to Becoming the World’s Greatest Minimalist

Easy Steps to Becoming the World’s Greatest Minimalist

We all know that minimalism has taken the world by storm, leaving in its wake a string of awesome empty closets, bare white walls, and straight chairs with no throw pillows. Throwing away is the new shopping!

Since this is such a massively popular lifestyle right now, and since everyone knows that my home is as empty of things and color as can possibly be (cough, cough), I’ve decided to let you in on my great secret. I am the world’s best minimalist, as you can see by my stark house tour. And now that I’ve let that cat out of the bag I’d like to share a few of my helpful secrets with you all, because that’s how much I love you.

Can you never find your fingernail clippers in the hour of need? Well, who needs a fingernail clippers? Throw that useless piece of junk out. The Lord gave you teeth to bite your nails with, didn’t he? Use them.

Another useless item we think we need is towels. All you really need is a washcloth. After your shower, you can wring out your washcloth and use it to soak up the excess droplets on your skin. Your clean clothes will do the rest of the work. (I may or may not know this tip from personal experience in Honduras.) If you want to go all the way, I suggest disposing of the washcloth as well, and simply jumping into a river each day to cleanse yourself. A brisk run afterward should leave you as dry as you need to be.


To clean out your kitchen, throw away all your dishes except one pot and one wooden spoon. You can cook all the rice you need in one pot, and any true minimalist knows that you don’t need plates to eat on, or more than one kind of food in your life. Just ignore the small side effect of scurvy. It will all be worth it when you survey your delightfully empty kitchen cupboards and refrigerator.


There’s a great trick for getting rid of all the books you own as well. If you think you’ll reread them, simply take a photo of each and every page. Then you’ll have them all stored on your phone, and can throw out all your hard copies. Reading has never been more fun.

Some minimalists promote a capsule wardrobe. I’m going to take things a step further and tell you that you really don’t need a wardrobe at all. Simply wrap yourself in a sheet for a stylish and hassle-free outfit. Bonus: at night you can simply lay upon your bare mattress and you already have all the sheet you need. That is, if you’re so maximalist as to have a mattress at all. Softie.

So there you have a bit of helpful information to get you started on your minimalist journey. For more tips, come visit me in person, and we can sit on my floor and chat as we share rice out of my solitary kettle.

P.S. If you’re a hardcore minimalist, don’t kill me. I still love you.

10 thoughts on “Easy Steps to Becoming the World’s Greatest Minimalist

  1. 2nd time reading … It was just as funny as the first time i read it to the extent that i laughed til I cried…. love your humor

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