Wedding Planning Throes
Hi Friends,
First of all, if you are in the stage of life where yet another wedding post coming across your feed makes you weary, please just close your browser and go eat a chocolate chip cookie instead. I have often been you, and as such, I am very conscious at all times of talking too much about my wedding or love or any such thing. Do I still weary my friends with it? Probably, but you should see all the stuff I DON’T say! Hah. I’m probably going to be the kind of mom who bores everyone with endless photos of her kids too, just watch.
Our engagement is almost ten months long, which has felt longlonglong at times as I just wait for the days to pass, but suddenly we’re down to the three month mark and I’m feeling the pressure increase as the to-do list scarcely shortens.
What is more, I only have 2 months left on my current apartment lease, and we still don’t have a place to live. We could technically renew my lease and live in my apartment but it is so small that we would probably break our shins stumbling over stuff in the dark if we both tried to fit in there. Worst case scenario perhaps we spend a few months or even the first year there while looking. But ideally we’ll move. We actually applied for a place with lots of windows and tons of closets at the end of June, and we’ve been waiting to hear back for the whole of July, so I am constantly on edge, not sure if I’ll be in my apartment another year or be moving next week. Should I start packing my books and get rid of the furniture I don’t want to move? Is it worse potentially living surrounded by boxes for two months or leaving everything till the last week? These are the decisions I’m constantly trying to make. Good times, good times. This will be my fourth apartment since moving to NYC, and boy, I am tired of schlepping my books around.
On the wedding front, we are in the thick of trying to plan our ceremony details, and of recruiting volunteers. Let me tell you something: I HATE ASKING PEOPLE FOR HELP. It is literally the worst part of wedding planning. It makes me feel about 1.5 inches tall to go up to a precious person who has done nothing but be nice to me, and ask them to help usher or serve cake or coordinate or sing on a day when they should just be allowed to dress up nicely and come attend. I hatehatehate it. I hate feeling indebted, I hate not being able to do it all myself, and I hate the idea of anybody feeling obliged to say yes to my request.
Of course, everyone I have asked so far has been nothing but lovely and accommodating, but it doesn’t lessen my loathing. For instance, Peter, when I asked him to head up the ushers, promptly said he’d take care of putting together a whole team of people and asked how many seats I wanted reserved for family and basically was an angel, which nearly moved me to tears. People are so nice. But if it were up to me and my pride, I’d arrange my own flowers and usher myself down the aisle and sing my own songs (not actually) and serve my own cake and clean up afterward, just to not have to inconvenience anyone. Sigh. “This sounds like a you problem,” says my friend Pearl, and I know she’s right. But still, it is a downside of wedding planning that most people neglect to mention. But now you know, if you are also the kind of person who is accustomed to pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps and moving your full-size couch up to your 3rd floor walkup by yourself, brace yourself for this part. It’s going to feel beyond weird to leave the church that night without cleaning everything up first when it’s my own mess. I don’t know how I’ll manage to do it!
As I mentioned, we are also in the throes of trying to plan out our ceremony. Since we’re not having a reception, the ceremony feels much more important, since I want something of value for our guests. We’re throwing song ideas back and forth, contemplating the least-awkward order of service, pondering whether we should stop in the aisle for the classic swoop kiss (hint, I would for SURE fall over on my backside), and such things. We’ll get there eventually, but I wish with all my heart that it was over and settled and I didn’t have to think about it anymore.
“It’s amazing how quickly it all fades into oblivion once you’re married,” several recent brides have told me. Perhaps it’s like childbirth- if anyone remembered what it was actually like, the world population would quickly die out, so it’s a good thing it fades away as time passes. Because this is the thing with wedding planning: No matter how chill you make yourself be about each decision, no matter how many things you eliminate (like the whole reception in our case), there are still So. Ridiculously. Many. Decisions you have to make. It’s unavoidable. And even if you manage to be relaxed about most of them, at some point you’re probably going to develop a whopping case of decision fatigue just from the sheer volume.
Another thing about wedding planning is that it really brings out the worst in you. Besides my squeamishness about asking for help, it’s also brought back in force my battle with worrying about people’s opinions. On the one hand, I don’t care at all what people think and will happily have a weird day that’s just like us, and on the other, I have frequent horrors of guests just being inexpressibly bored and judgemental on our day, looking down their haughty noses at our silly little plans. Do the people in question give me any reason to think this? Mostly no, but I still can’t shake the feeling that everyone will feel so bored and just obligated to be there. I fully realize I’m being ridiculous, but really, I am genuinely dreading the attention and everyone judging an event we’re putting together (they’ll be nice, but you know very well you go to weddings and judge all the details too), and mostly I’m worrying that people will feel bored and annoyed at having to be there. And then of course, there are also the inevitable couple conflicts which wedding planning brings out, as you try to make a million decisions together while having very different opinions. It’s just charming what an opinionated, worrisome, and fearful person I can be!
On the flipside, one fun thing about the stress is that it makes me have the weirdest wedding dreams which amuse me greatly in the morning. In my latest dream, I was all dressed for the wedding, then fell into a ditch full of sewage. I’ve had several dreams about too-short dresses (go figure), and one in which the church was full of people who just decided to go ahead and eat before the ceremony, and I wasn’t even dressed yet, but just panic-marching around with a giant vase of tulips, trying to find the people in charge of stuff. Never mind that we’re not having either a meal or tulips in real life.
Also, as much as I’m dreading the hurry of the wedding week, I am really looking forward to several days of hanging out with my family, eating dim sum and getting manicures and arranging flowers together. That part will be so fun, and reminiscent of the last time my family stormed New York City for a Troyer/Yuan wedding, and I ended up falling in love with the city and eventually moving here myself. As the last sibling to get married, it feels like the end of an era in a way, and I’m looking forward to joining the ranks and making the cutest babies of all. Hah. (just kidding. mostly.)
Finally, I am so looking forward to life after the wedding. First of all, the relief of never having to do this again sounds wonderful. Second, to go on an amazing tropical vacation with my best friend? Yes please, I’ve been hoarding my days off work and I’m dying to travel a little. Third, I know I’ve talked about the adjustment of no longer living alone, but I’m also really looking forward to having someone to spend time with every day. When you live alone, there’s nobody to just be with, because anytime you are with somebody it’s an occasion of sorts and must be maximized, versus the comfort of just living life in the same space as someone. I’m really looking forward to that again, and to the inside jokes and daily rhythms we’ll develop over time.
If you’ve made it this far, you really must be easily entertained, but thank you for listening to my venting and processing, and thank you for not judging my weird little obsessions. Do come to the wedding! You’re the best!
3 thoughts on “Wedding Planning Throes”
I love when you post and, I too am easily entertained.
Same as the other commentator. Easily entertained!! I am enjoying your wedding planning saga. I will assure you that it is completely normal to need people help you. I believe it will always be doubly hard for us raised in CA because we were always the ones helping the needy and that feels good. When we were in the states I was all of a sudden the needy one and the one that received all the hand me downs. I can assure you that that feels a lot less glamorous.
Pearl is wise and I’m easily entertained.