I have the worst addiction to lists. Give me a blank google doc and a bunch of bullet points to fill and I’m as happy as a clam. You know those people who would gladly make lists to organize their lists? That’s me. I am those people.

I also love resolutions and bucket lists. They help me keep my goals on track and to dream realistically- or sometimes wildly- about all the things I’d like to accomplish. I have a google doc with all manner of bucket lists: my thirty-before-thirty list which I mostly completed before my big birthday, a list of resolutions for each year, like the one for 2020, “Leave my house every day”, which makes me laugh every time I see it, and of course lists of places to see.

I also have an impractical bucket list in which I went crazy without the restraints of time or reason. Do I want to herd sheep in Scotland? Onto the list it goes. Would I like to attend a Beach Boys concert, never mind I’d need to time travel? This is the list for that. Live in an airstream and write, get published in Huff Post, have both a thigh gap and a cooking career at the same time (lol), be a ballet dancer, the list goes on. It’s such fun, and you should definitely try it sometime.

But the list I want to discuss today is my anti-bucket-list. All the things I’d like to avoid forever. What kind of things, you ask? Oh, do let me elaborate.

• Do a tough mudder. Have you heard of those races where people have to military crawl through mud puddles under barbed wire, and other such ridiculous things? Yeah, I won’t be doing that. I did a 5K one single time and decided it was a horrible decision for me. The only race I could probably be prevailed upon to do is one where someone dangles a croissant a few feet in front of me while I run. Come to think of it, that’s actually a brilliant idea for a race; anybody want to hop on that?
• Be an annoying multi-level marketing salesperson. Much as I long to be the kind of person who leverages friendship to guilt-trip people into buying their overpriced goods, I still added this to my list.
• Be in any mission board meeting. Or maybe be in any meeting ever. The M word holds ominous connotations for me, with visions of mission boards coming from their cushy American lives to sit in a circle and tell us what we were doing wrong, and to watch us with unblinking eyes as we cried awkwardly. At least, that’s what my fifteen-year-old memory has clung on to, and I’ll be happy to never, ever, ever, ever attend any mission board meeting ever again. Ever. (P.S. Shoutout to my Uncle David though, who was genuinely awesome on our mission board.)
• Play in a volleyball tournament. If you’re a long-time reader you already know how much I enjoy making fun of the sporty Mennonites who gather to play in their volleyball tournaments and find their spouses. Even though I have some dear friends who have defected to the dark side and love volleyball, at this point, I must maintain my stance because I have a reputation to uphold! Even if I grow fit and sporty someday (long shot, given my love of cake), I must always eschew it. Snowboarding is also on the list because I like to assign the same sort of standards of “trying-to-be-coolness” to the snowboarders. And as an enneagram 4, my goal is obviously to always be as uncool as possible. Also, let’s be honest, I don’t like falling upon my bum.
• Skydive. See aforementioned distaste for falling upon my bum.
• Win an Olympic gold medal for curling. You’ve seen the sport where the participants furiously scrub the ice as a little puck slowly glides down the middle. I think it’s so bizarre as to be hilarious, and I’d actually like to try it someday, given the miles of floors I’ve swept in my lifetime. Surely that skill set would count toward something? Also, it doesn’t seem to involve much falling upon one’s bum. But although I’d like to try it, I do not want to devote the years to become an Olympic medalist, so onto the list it goes.
• Have an affair. Obvious, but hey, let’s add it. Besides, I once heard a podcast where the couple was talking about affairs, and they said the first step to not having one is to realize that you, yes you, are capable of having one. Everyone is, even the aghast, “I would never!” people. We are all capable of atrocities, so let’s recognize that and put it on the list.
• Have a solo dinner with enemies from my past. Now, I am not the kind of person to wrack up a long list of foes and adversaries. But still, imagine sitting at a dinner table with all the people who have most wronged you (or whom you have most wronged!) for a long meal of chewy, dry meat. Doesn’t that sound fun?
• Live in Times Square. Ah, Times Square, the delight of tourists and the bane of the locals. The place where newbies go to gawk at the insane lights and billboards and cheer on the street performers, and where New Yorkers avoid if at all possible, unless attending a Broadway show or in desperate need of some hot Krispy Kreme, and then we elbow our way through at breakneck speeds, muttering unspeakable things at the crowds under our breath. The place “where the worst of humanity collects to poison this fair country.” Ok, maybe that’s Chicago, not Times Square, but it gives pretty hot competition to the title. Yes, it’s a fascinating place which everyone should see once, but if your idea of NYC is Times Square, try again, honey.
• Be a celebrity hair stylist/manicurist/assistant/nanny, etc. Imagine getting to spend every day at the beck and call and whims of a diva who is used to getting every single thing she wants, and to never being told no. Yeah, I’m gooooood.

So there’s a taste of my distastes for you. Now, let’s hear from you. What is the thing which the mere thought of makes your arm hairs curl a little? The thing which is exactly the opposite of the type of human you’re trying to be? Drop a comment and join the fun.