This is obviously by no means a comprehensive, or even particularly accurate, list. Nevertheless, it’s fun to speculate and rant a little about these things, isn’t it? Ladies, tell me what you would add to the list- what you think men will never quite be able to get.
There is that sinking feeling of realizing, the very moment you get to work, that you really should have worn a slip, and you have static and you definitely can’t stand in any stream of light, but alack and alas, you are now stuck at work for the rest of the day and must carefully proceed through your day, lurking in the dark corners of the office.
Speaking of which, the struggle with static is a real one. There’s nothing like wearing a dress which insists on clinging to your legs exactly like a needy child, and nothing you do makes it go away entirely. You splash water surreptitiously in the bathroom, hoping to relieve it, and it helps but only for a little, before the clinging begins once again. The best trick is smearing copious amounts of lotion on your legs and your slip which you remembered to wear today but which is making the problem that much worse. Even that only lasts so long though, before the dreadful electricity finds you again.
Every single month your period comes, and every single month you forget just what its advent will do to you. The world seems dismal and bleak, and you feel just like a little lump of limp, cold broccoli discarded upon the world’s plate. You would like very much to find a howling wilderness to do some howling in yourself, and you don’t know why everything is so discouraging. And then your period comes, as it always does every single month with more regularity than an Alabaman homeschool mom popping out babies, and you’re like, ooooohhhhh right, I forgot. Hormones. And after the cramping and bloating are over, the sun begins to shine a little again.
There’s the art of knowing when you should or shouldn’t wear mascara. Even waterproof mascara is not immune to smudging, so if you’re feeling particularly emotional, you stare at your makeup that morning and think, is it worth it? And then of course there’s the fun moment when you did put on a heavy duty coat of it that morning, and you go to church and God is like, not today, you shouldn’t have. And it smudges and a little bit runs into your eyes and burns and burns and turns them so red that everyone will think you’ve been crying more than you even were. Fun times.
Pockets. I doubt you will ever understand the injustice of the pockets in a woman’s world. You buy the perfect pair of jeans and happily burrow your hands in their pockets, only to discover that they’re approximately two inches deep and will hold exactly one key, one lipstick, or one third cell phone, which is apparently all the dainty little female needs to carry. And that’s when we’re lucky enough to have pockets at all! Most of the dresses and skirts we wear don’t come with such a luxury. This is why, when you compliment a girl on a dress she really loves, she’ll reply, “Thank you, it has pockets!” It is indeed something to celebrate. Can you imagine living your life having to carry your phone about in your hand constantly, and always having to think twice to remember your purse with every restaurant and grocery store and car you leave, and never knowing what to do with your used tissues when there’s no trash can handy?
Not that it’s all doom and gloom. You also probably can’t understand how putting on the perfect pair of heels will make you feel like the world is your oyster, and you can take whatever comes your way with ease and aplomb. You look down at the peasants around you dressed in their flat and comfortable shoes with a gracious smile, feeling confident and regal in your elegance and poise. The delicious feeling is only equal to the delicious feeling of kicking those heels off the second you’re inside your door, and admiring the blisters you’ve earned. Being a queen isn’t for the faint of heart, after all. The perfect lipstick has sort of the same effect, although it’s easier to forget you’re wearing it and thus descend unwittingly to the realm of the commoners.
Speaking of dressing up- suits. You lot clearly will never understand the power of a good suit, or there wouldn’t be men showing up to weddings in jeans and tee shirts. A well-fitting suit can instantly turn an ordinary Joe Schmo into, well, without getting too descriptive, the exact opposite of that. The lack of suits in y’all’s closets clearly attests that you do not understand this fact, and I suppose probably never will. “But they’re uncomfortable!” you cry as if this is a valid excuse, and we just hook the uncomfortable wire cages we wear every day a little tighter and grin forbearingly.
Do you agree? 🙂