It was a day just like any other day, fairly uneventful and commonplace. The rain fell from a gray sky and darkness came swiftly that winter night as I tucked myself into my apartment for an industrious evening at home. I had food to make for my church small group, a gift basket to assemble, furniture to rearrange, and I was happily plodding through my to-do list when the first ominous pangs struck.
“Whatever, it’s just a few stomach cramps,” I thought as I continued about my evening. But as the cramps increased in intensity, I clutched my stomach and texted my sisters, “How long does it take for food poisoning to show up?” I thought back over my meals for the day, unable to pinpoint anything that could be causing this. Surely the brown banana I ate wasn’t that far gone. Maybe it was the massive bowl of cabbage I crunched through for dinner? But no, I regularly consume cabbage in shocking quantities, thanks to my Honduran upbringing.
Then it hit me.
Now let me give you a little back story; sometimes I like to read Amazon reviews for amusement. Occasionally there’s a product where the consumers go a little nuts on the reviews, and leave the wittiest comments. People went wild over Bic’s “for her” pens, banana slicers, Swiss army knives, and the culprit of today’s story, sugar free gummy bears. For instance, “I must strongly urge you to consider why you are thinking of buying this product, is it a sense of deep self loathing? A reckless sense of adventure? Are you researching dysentery? perhaps you are the drill sergeant of some extreme commando unit seeking to break down the enemies will to fight by airdropping these into their midst. If you are just curious then let me say oh fellow human, beware for this life is dangerous enough, next time I want a thrill I’ll skydive without a parachute, that way at least I’ll have a chance.” Google it and you’ll find a lot more, although I’d like to caution you that some of them contain strong language. While I can’t condone the language, after my personal experience, I can at least understand it, I’m afraid.
So here’s what happened. I’ve been on a dessert fast of sorts this year, which has both been very good for me, and has made 2018 a veeeery long year. I can’t wait till the clock strikes midnight on December 31st to run home and bake the myriad of things I’ve been eyeing all year. Anyway, I haven’t suffered, because I have a few cheat options and because there are plenty other delicious things to eat. But there is one thing I’ve been craving for months that I haven’t been able to find sugar free anywhere…until last night.
Enter the gummy bears. Gummies are my kryptonite. I could eat gummy anything, but of course, there’s no way to justify gummies when you’re off dessert, unless you find a sugar free option of course. And last night while shopping, I stumbled across just that, and with great rejoicing I purchased a personal sized pack. I ate them all the way across town, and although they were a little old and hard, I didn’t mind and soon the little bag was empty. The reviews I had read on Amazon were the farthest thing from my mind as I ate my dinner and made my necessary cranberry salad for small group.
Only later that evening did the cramps begin, and soon they were intense enough I couldn’t even touch the floor. I realized that these weren’t just any ordinary cramps and when I racked my brain for reasons, suddenly with a pang (literally) I remembered all I had read. Now, I hadn’t bought the brand mentioned on Amazon, but apparently the sweetener used was the same. I tried to find a comfortable position and texted my sisters about my misery, who laughed at my predicament. Not that I blame them, I was laughing too, because what else can you do!
Fortunately my results weren’t as awful as some of the reviews, and by the next morning I was feeling only a little crampy. I can’t imagine how the company hasn’t been sued or the treacherous product banned yet, but with some personal experience
behind me under my belt on this issue, I have learned my lesson and am sharing this (rather personal) tale to warn you of the perils to come if you choose to be a fool and purchase sugar free gummies. I can think of only three good reasons one should ever purchase these, and mere pleasure is not one of them.
- If you have enemies and are seeking revenge, you could gift them these gummies and you would need no further revenge. And if you’ve been given terrible customer service, it might float your boat to mail these to the unsuspecting reps. Whether you could live with your conscience afterward is another matter.
- Laxatives. And good tasting laxatives!
- Sudden and dramatic weight loss, that is, if you have a few days to take off work and social obligations to do so.
Here ends my tale, and if I have prevented one person from following the same unfortunate path, I can consider it worth it. Maybe.