The girl whose vanity is lined with hundreds of bottles of cosmetics. She has thirty different shades of foundation, and often wears about 5 at once. She wouldn’t dream of playing sports, as it might chip her fresh manicure, and she can’t venture beyond the end of the sidewalk because nature doesn’t work well with her high heels and suede skirts. She avoids babies who might spit up on her, uncouth people who wear Walmart fashions, and shade (gotta work on that tan!) Occasionally she will sacrifice and go on a short term missions trip to the prettiest country available, preferably somewhere tropical, and post pictures of herself with all the darling “natives”, because man, those pictures sure get a lot of likes on social media. Her day job is catching butterflies and being an influencer on Instagram. She changes her profile picture at least once a week. For SURE no.
The girl whose mental capacity does not extend beyond the tiny world she is comfortable in. She regularly uses phrases such as “We was…” and “I seen…” If she picks up a book, it’s probably by Janette Oke, and she adores watching shows like “Gossip Girl.” She is friendly and has the best of intentions, but it simply hasn’t occurred to her to think beyond her little box. She is flighty and sweet, she works a part-time job to support her Starbucks habit, and she couldn’t imagine living anywhere beside her parents’ or husband’s home. She is a mature nineteen, and full of wise thoughts that have come from her yeeears of tough singlehood. When she snags a boyfriend (FINALLY) at age twenty-one, her Instagram is filled with lovey pictures captioned, “After years of waiting and hoping and praying, I’m so blessed to find that dreams really do come true!” For SURE no.
The girl who goes out to eat with friends and primly orders one leaf of lettuce. After three bites or so, she is simply stuffed and must request the rest to go. Everyone knows that she will go home and eat a double cheeseburger in private, but never ever would she commit such sacrilege in public. She must maintain her lithe and lissome figure, and she really needs to lose that extra 4.8 pounds, never mind that size small clothing already falls off of her. Besides, what would the boys think if they knew she could eat more than half a leaf of lettuce?! Horrors. For SURE no.
The girl who is fiercely competitive and the main goal of her life is to beat the boys in everything she does. She is loud about her achievements, and spends her Saturday nights challenging unsuspecting victims to arm-wrestling matches. She wouldn’t dream of asking for help with anything, because she can and will prove to the world that she is utterly self-sufficient. She does actually have quite a following of admirers, but none of them have any balls.** She also chews with her mouth open. For SURE no.
On the flip side is the girl who can’t do anything with her weak, girly hands. Her way of attracting the men is to develop a simpering, helpless attitude. “Microwave! Hot! Buttons! Help me!” She needs a man to open her pickle jars, throw out the ant traps, check her windshield washer fluid, carry anything heavier than 8 pounds, and tie her shoes if he has nothing better to do. She tried holding a real job one time, but working for forty hours a week was just more than she could handle, and she’s pretty sure women weren’t made for that kind of thing. Instead, she marries the first guy who asks her out, mostly for his pickle-jar-opening-skills. For SURE no.
**Direct quote from a pastor who particularly dislikes this kind of girl.
Thanks to all the people who peppered me with ideas. M, R, E, and everyone else. My favorite contribution though was from my cousin Anthony, whom I remember as a tot, but who has apparently grown up when I wasn’t watching. He read my last post and sent me one of his own, which I simply had to add in its entirety. Enjoy.
- The girl who is spiritual, godly, and virtuous in every way. Even better, she knows it. She knows that there are at all times 21 different guys thinking of her with pattering hearts. She spends her teenage years thinking of marriage and potentials and exercising her housewifely talents, as that is without doubt her calling in life. She is a special girl reserved for a special guy, yet somehow she never finds him, and not until her 53rd birthday does she begin to realize that she probably never will. For SURE no.
- The girl whose misandrist attitude rules her life. Guys are meh, not something to be looked at and most certainly not talked to; who would if there are girls around, they’re the best! If crossing the street is the only way to avoid a guy, she will surely do so. He’s a guy, and all guys are creepy. For SURE no.
- The girl who can’t take anything. Any spontaneous adventure is “too much, she hasn’t had her two hours of quiet time yet”. After she gets married, her meek and doting husband will do the dishes, laundry, cleaning, and grocery shopping, as she can just never get around to it. She is the weaker vessel, and she has willingly embraced that God-given role. Her social media pages blossom daily with bountiful spirituality, while her snot-nosed toddlers run around in dirty diapers. For SURE no.
- The popular social-butterfly of a girl that “all” the guys are crazy over. She flutters and flaps and makes them feel accepted, thus drawing them into her powers. She’s on her 7th boyfriend, not counting all the secret affairs she’s had, and will continue this cycle till she marrys the most undesirable guy in the bunch, end of story. For SURE no.
- The girl whose world of humor, creativity, and color is nonexistent. Her mind is as dry and dead as the Sahara Desert, only more so. Any witty or sarcastic statements are squashed by her lifeless voice, leaving the victim feeling stupid and weird, repenting of the colorful statement he just made. For SURE no.
- The girl who is simply full and overflowing of herself. She will rattle the day away to anyone who cares to listen, but perferably a to guy. Her opinion of herself is rather high, and it constantly comes out in her endless talking. She walks and talks and tosses her head in the most unladylike way, and yes, she picks her nose. For SURE no.